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Valentines with Friends

Didn't have an opportunity to spend valentines with dear dear, as had to take care of some friends... :) Been not feeling well physically this past week... not sleeping well and having to grapple with tiredness.

In Anticipation

There are 3 significant things happening tomorrow...

1) Its my 29th birthday... marks the beginning of the end... ;) my last year in my twenties. A year that I need to treasure... to savour... to remember... a year that closes the door on a significant decade in my life. A decade with so many changes... so many different experiences.

From university, to NS, to NIE, to Pioneer Sec, to CCAB...

From England to Scotland, to Iceland, to France, to Holland, to Belgium, to Italy, to Germany, to Czech Republic, to Hungary, to Italy, to Switzerland, to Turkey, to Ukraine...

From Singapore, to Thailand, to Indonesia, to Malaysia, to Myanmar, to Taiwan...

From attached, to single, to attached, to engaged, to married... From plump, to thin, to plump, to fat.

2) It's the 4th anniversary of my dear dear and me being a "couple"... we've certainly come such a long way... :) Many many more good years to come. Many many more fantastic memories to put into our memory bank.

3) It's the RELEASE OF THE O LEVEL RESULTS!!! I've got the butterflies in my stomach... I think it is good that I post today, because I don't know if I would have the mood to post tomorrow after the results have been announced! :) I hope that I have done ok as a teacher... I hope that I haven't flopped in my first attempt to teach O level classes. I pray that God would grant me that grace to experience more joy than sadness.

Just one more day... mmmm....

ICT

It has been a week since I've last posted. I'm certainly still in the midst of adjusting to my job. Received news on Thursday night that my deferment request has been rejected. This means that I would have to proceed with my overseas in-camp training. 14th-30th June is about 2 and a half weeks. Thank God that I'm not still in school, if not my holidays would be burnt again. I think it is not fair for teachers who have to slog so hard for so much of the year, and when their holidays come, have to go back for in-camp-training, without being compensated for the loss of their holidays. Well... 2 1/2 weeks away from my wife, in a foreign land. Quite ironic that the first overseas trip I have with the SAF is now, after my ORD.

O Me of Little Faith...

It's Monday morning and already I have a testimony to share.
Left the house late today, and had to send wife to school because she had to be there on time to hand in some important work. Both of us were feeling a little under the weather. Both of us wanted to take MC for the day, but chose not to in the end. We got caught in a jam on the PIE on the way to the east. She started praying to ask God to help clear up the jam so that I could drop her off and get back to work on time. I was pretty negative as it was already 0715, we were only inching along, and I had to travel all the way to the East and back again to Bt Timah. I looked on the other side of the road and the traffic coming back seemed just as bad. I completely didn't have the faith that the traffic would clear up. In fact, I was expecting it only to get worse entering into the morning rush hour. I was expecting to be late for work, past 0830. In the end, thank God, he really cleared up the traffic. I managed to arrive at work at 0800, even having time to go for breakfast! Thank God...

A Malaysian Guest

Had Aaron and Huiling over for dinner today. Haven't seen Aaron in years, since I came back from Birmingham.

It's always nice to have visitors from overseas. It really breaks the monotony of life and it reminds us that life isn't just about doing work every day and going home to eat and sleep. We showed them our wedding video as well as photos, and shared testimonies about how God blessed us with our flat, and how God has been blessing us through our relationship with each other and with Him.

He shared with us how he had quit his job in UK and took the land route from UK back to Malaysia. It was a 5 month journey through Europe and Asia, passing through the middle east. Its something that I really dream of doing, and it was refreshing to hear from a friend who had actually been brave enough to do it! What's more, he did it alone... with no companionship. Must have been some trip.

Hope to take a trip to KL to see him before he flies off to Hong Kong to find a job.

It was a nice dinner too... my dear dear was fantastic as usual... nice yummy beef stew and baked pasta.

An Eventful Weekend

It has been an eventful week at work as well as an eventful weekend at church. I've been pretty busy at my workplace... learning the ropes and learning to cope with more responsibility.

At church, we've made the commitment to be more open and to work through our problems and our issues. It is a first step, and there is such a long way to go. So much is at stake, but I pray and I trust that Daddy has everything under control. We need to press in and to keep praying and seeking God for His hand of grace.

I pray Lord for love and for patience. I pray Lord for wisdom to know what to say and how to say it. I pray for strength to carry me through the difficult times. I pray for every one in church to take time to reflect and to ask God for strength and wisdom too.

I pray for a revelation of God's love in all of our hearts. May His love cause us to put down our defenses, and to reach out to one another with that same love.

I pray for a breakthrough in the spiritual realm. I pray for healing. I pray for restoration of relationships.

God, only you can...

A Tough Year Ahead

I thank God for the chance to start afresh at a completely new workplace, with new colleagues, new jobscope, and a totally different working environment.

It has certainly been a challenge here. I've had to adapt, to learn to be more systematic and disciplined. I've had to learn to diligently take note of appointments on my calender, to reply emails within a day, and to answer phone calls within 3 rings.

I've been given a very wide range of duties, more than my fellow new officers. I am involved in 3 sections here. Music section, Character Development Section, as well as Talent Development Section. Everyone else has only 2 sections. Within the Music section, I'm the only officer taking 2 groups of CCA, Band (which is a big responsibility) as well as Instrumental Ensembles (which covers 9 different types of Ensemble groups). Besides this, I have to be involve in 5-6 other committees. It is really a challenge.

I know that without His grace, I would not be able to handle this workload. I'll probably be highly stressed out!

I thank God though, that He has given me nice colleagues, as well as open bosses, who have been very encouraging to me.

Do pray for me as I go through this year. It is going to be one rollercoaster of a journey.

New Beginnings

I just want to thank God for showing me His grace in this new year. I have committed myself to being more focussed spiritually in the many areas of my life. I want to share with you my personal goals, so that I can be accountable to all of you.- I want to be more committed in my personal walk with God.This includes being committed to the 1 year Bible Reading Programme, as well as to consistent prayer. I want to spend more time in worship to grow as a worshipper. I want to be a better witness to others by being more disciplined in all that I do.- I want to become a better spiritual leader as a husband.Mae and me have committed ourselves to completing a daily devotional for couples, in which we'd take turns each day to reflect and to comment on the entry for that day. We started this in mid December, and so far our couple's devotional blog has 20+ entries! We've also decided to set aside time each week for couple's worship, as well as to be more proactive in praying together for each other, our family, our friends, our church, and even our nation.- I want to become a better discipleship leader.I have also started a Men's devotional blog with William, and have committed myself to taking turns each day to post an entry. I've also challenged myself to set aside time to teach him to play at least one worship song on the guitar each week, so that eventually, he would be able to play the guitar as part of the worship team.I want to thank God for giving me the strength so far to do all these things. He has given me a very good seat in my office where I have to privacy to read the Bible and to spend time with Him. He has given me good working relationships with my new colleagues so far. There's a lot to be done in my new job as CCA officer, but I'm looking forward to tackling all the challenges ahead with His strength. I've had really good times of prayer with Mae and William, and God has already answered a number of prayers in His wonderful way. I want to challenge myself, as well as all of you to really rise up this year spiritually. We need to each do our part to catch our own little fires so that together we can be a big fire for Daddy. It is time to move forward as a church, and we cannot continue to fall back on our excuses any more. We need to be united, we need to be open with each other, and we need to pray for each other.

thoughts

dear dear, just want to say that i love you and i thank daddy that he brought you into my life... i pray that he teach us how to love him more and to love each other more... love you...

Dear Dear

though i don't post much and i don't say much... please always remember that i love you deeply.
there isn't anyone else on this earth that means more to me than you.
it hurts me when you are upset...
and i'm upset at myself for not knowing how to keep you happy and contented.
i'm upset that i can only cheer you up one day, and the next day, the effect seems to wear off...
sorry. when you read this just remember that I love you...

for dear dear

Just want to say that i love you and i believe in you dear

I love you

Dear... i love you... i'm sorry for not being there as much as i want to... its so tough this life we are living... i'm only glad that you are choosing this path with me even though it hasnt been easy for yourself too... i love you. work hard for your papers, and make daddy and I proud ok? Thanks for everything you have been to me. I know that you are precious... and I want to learn to treasure you more... lets prove all the doubters wrong... I love you always

thoughts

Dear Dear...

Thanks for all that you have done, all that you are and, all that you are going to be...
I love you deeply, and you are the love of my life... I really want to learn to treasure you more.
I need to learn to grow up in Daddy... I'm already 27, but i think my maturity has been lagging.
I need to get back on track and to learn to put Daddy first and to put you ahead of myself.
I need to set you a good example... I need to learn to take the lead.
Remember that I love you... Remember that I care for you.
All the best for your exams from tomorrow... I'll be praying for you that you will clear all your papers.
I will be praying that you recover from your cough...
and I will be praying that I'll have an efficient week... love you lots

another short note

Dear dear thanks for today even though it was only for a short while.
i'm touched that you came all the way to boon lay to meet me... thanks for being patient and waiting for my rehearsal to end... i love you... i want to marry you.
thanks for recovering so fast even though you didn't have a good day yourself...
remember that I believe in you and I will do everything I can to help you get through this time...
you are precious and special to me... muek
i love you

sorry dear dear

Dear dear ,

i'm sorry that I'm having so much trouble coping in school and in life in general...
just remember that I love you and that I care dearly for you...
you are Daddy's blessing to me...
I love you

Your tree tree

Another long Absense

I'm glad for this long weekend...

I've been able to clear a little bit of the back log and to get my life back on track again.
its been another tough week... i think i've been in a period of great stress in my life.
I had to think things through about how my life was progressing
it has been depressing at times.
I have had to deal with my underachievement on many fronts.

i know that God is purging me...
asking me to wake up
to face the facts and to face the truth about myself
I know that a deep cleansing needs to be done...

I need to wake up :)

Stressed but Determined

Another stressful week... even though had holidays... spent most of the holidays meeting parents. Learnt a lot through this whole process.... used to dread the idea of meeting parents but now learning to be comfortable and getting used to it...

school starting and so many things undone... really need to learn to be more efficient...

dear dear i love you
i thank Daddy for what he is doing in your life.
I know it is not easy for you to change and to be molded.
I am inspired to be a better leader of the relationship, to be a better spiritual example to you.

I need to get back on track.
I need to refocus... and to be on the right path again.

Drowning

help... i'm drowning... i need help...
no time, no discipline, really stressed

Another short update

Another update due... because I know that my dear dear likes it when I update my blog.
This weekend must have been the most ineffient weekend for me... I had the time but I lazed it all away...
i think i'm already wishing that the holidays were here... i really need them to sort out my life in a big way.
I really need to focus and to stop wasting time doing aimless surfing... i need to be spiritually stronger to give my dear dear more support. She needs it as she isn't going through an easy patch too. I also need to remember to pray for my mom that God will touch her and heal her from her emotional wounds. I pray that she wil learn to appreciate people for who they are instead of always placing expectations on people. I need to pray that my dear dear's healing will get manifested in the flesh. I know that I haven't been praying enough. I know that Daddy wants me to change... but it is almost like my whole life needs flushing out and I need to get the procrastination gremlins off my brain.

Dear dear I want to say that I love you. Sorry for hurting you sometimes and for being insensitive. Help me to appreciate all that you do better. I want to learn to love you more. Be strong in daddy ok? I know that somehow, he will take us through.

I love you to bits...

Another Update Due

Another update due... another difficult week and I really can't wait for the hols to begin.
I feel like I need a long rest... I need to recover and to regroup.
I've been through so much this year and its been only 2 months.
But time has flown. Flying faster all the time.

God I need help
I need to refocus
I need to get my life back in order
Help me.

I love you
but I know I hurt you by the way I spend my time
help me to spend my time more fruitfully...

Resigned

It seems as though I'm consigned to blogging once a week. It has been another long difficult week, where I've been struggling to cope… I always seem to be 2 days behind time, no matter what I do, no matter how much I try. I realize that I am just so inefficient. Maybe I'm not cut out for life here in Singapore. And yet, try I must, and keep up I must. I'm sorry for my dear dear as she always has to wait for me to blog. Sorry dear dear… I know I'm not very consistent… I'll try my best. I'm quite stressed… love you dear

Letter to Dear Dear

Dear Dear,

I love you. I know that things have been rocky and tough. I know that sometimes it just all feels so unbearable. Sometimes the tension just mounts, especially when we are not leaning on Daddy's strength. I'm sorry for the times I hurt you. I'm sorry for the times I have not been able to give you more support. I'm sorry for being weak. I know that in some ways, I haven't been able to keep up in this relationship. I fall pray to forgetfulness and procrastination. I thank you for not losing patience on me, and for being forgiving. I know I need to learn how to manage my time well. Many times I have been terrible at time management.

I know I need to change. Help me ok?

I know I love you dearly. I know both of us have sacrificed a lot just to be with each other. I know that it hasn't been easy for any of us (my mom included).

I just want you to know that I believe in you. Even in the bad times I believe in you… I believe that however bad a mood you are in, however unresponsive you are to me at times… I believe that you will come out of that mood in due time. I'm sorry that I'm not better at cheering you up. Sometimes I really feel very helpless and I do not know what to do. Help me dear dear… I love you… Believe with me…

I know Daddy can take us through…

With Love
Your Dear Dear

Another week

It has been another week since i've last made an entry into my blog. Another tough stressful week.

I wonder if i am able to cope with life and all its up and downs. I used to think that somehow everything is going to be alright... but it seems nowadays, that carefree attitude is increasingly hard to maintain. Indeed i'm finding it hard to cope in practically every area of my life. I am dissatisfied with the way I work, how inefficient I seem to be. I can't seem to curb my urges to procrastinate. I increasingly have thoughts to just run away from it all... to just seek peace and solitude away from all the pressure and all the heartache. But the weight of responsibility and love keeps me rooted where I am.

I long for happier days... I seem to have let the joy of the Lord slip away sometime while I wasn't noticing. I miss the days when I used not to have a care in the world (though I had problems). I seemed to be able to just cast all my cares upon Him... to really trust him through all my trials... This time, my trials and my struggles seem to be a much bigger mountain than before. It seems that there are few people who actually understand my struggle.

I know the solution- just trust and obey... to spend more time with Jesus... to let Him release me from all my hurts and frustrations... all my pain and disappointment. I need to meet the Healer again, to just soak in His love. I need a fresh touch of joy.

God hear my cry I pray. You are the only person who truly knows me... you understand me more than I even understand myself. I know you know the pain that I am going through because you have gone through even greater pain and even greater suffering than I could ever imagine. How can I compare to what you have gone through for me. How can my present pain compare to all that you unjustly suffered for my sake.

Daddy, forgive me. I know that I am feeble and I am weak. I have not loved you with my whole heart. I have not lived my whole life for you. I haven't put you first and I have tried to take matters into my own hands.

Lord I pray you guide me and you give me strength for each brand new day. Help me to start each day afresh. Help me not to be weighed down by my circumstances but teach me how to rise above it all and to soar on eagle's wings.

Lord teach me how to fly... I don't want to drown anymore. I want to touch you. I want to fall in love with you over and over and over again. I want to be transformed into your image, to become more and more like you. Lord I yield to you. Lord I forgive all those who have hurt me. I release forgiveness... I release myself from my hurts and disappointments and my pain. Lord heal me and give me your joy again.

Help me to be an effective witness where you have placed me. Help me Lord. Without you I am nothing, but with you I can be everything that you want me to be.

I love you Lord, but teach me to love you more.

Lord... thank you... for just being you...
Thank you for ever being gracious and forgiving.

Lord thank you...

Tired just so tired and stressed

the title says it all doesn't it? i'm just so worn out physically and emotionally, from all the trouble that has been around me... how I wish I can just run away and escape... ;) just dreaming of a nice relaxing holiday somewhere...

Tired just so tired and stressed

the title says it all doesn't it? i'm just so worn out physically and emotionally, from all the trouble that has been around me... how I wish I can just run away and escape... ;) just dreaming of a nice relaxing holiday somewhere...

Sorry Dear Dear

Dear dear,

sorry for not updating for such a long time. You know that it has been tough and a difficult time for me.
I love you, and I know that God will take us through and will make the best out of this situation. Even though it is so painful sometimes... I know that everything will be worth it. Daddy will work a miracle. Daddy will make the way. He will be ever faithful, and if we remain faithful to Him, He will grant us the desires of our hearts...

Love always,
eTree

CNY Thoughts

Yet another long eventful week has passed… so eventful that despite having so many days off for Chinese New Year, I haven't found the time to update my blog. It certainly feels as though my world is caving on me and swallowing me up.

This year, by birthday fell on the 1st day of Chinese New Year… and should have been a cause for celebration for many, but unfortunately not for me. My Chinese New Year was spent in obedience to my Mother. I didn't have a chance to celebrate with my love…

I really wonder when this whole issue will work out. I wonder when God will give the breakthrough that we really need. Sometimes I question Him. Why must things turn out this way? Why must things always be so difficult? Why am I being penalized for something that is not my fault. All I wanted is to love and to be loved. Why is life so cruel sometimes? Why is it that even though I try my best to please my Mom, my Mom never recognizes my efforts, and even can find ways of turning the positives into negatives.

It has been a tough, tiring journey. I honestly have done my best, and am still seeking to do my best. The weight of my Mom's expectations and criticisms have been a big burden on my shoulders. Sometimes I really wish I could just escape from it all…. To just give up and to rebel… To run away and not to bother about everyone else except my Daddy, my dear dear, and me. But unfortunately… to bother about Daddy, means that I have to bother about my mommy. I've always clung on to the promise that when my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me. It certainly feels as though my mom has forsaken me.

She expects me to be grown up, and yet doesn't behave in a grown up way herself.
She expects me to be a good, morally upright person, and yet doesn't give me credit for being open-minded and accommodating to people with differences.
She expects me to be filial, and yet doesn't seem to make an effort to be an encouraging and a supportive mother.
When I tell her the truth, she says I'm being disrespectful and cruel to her and being defensive of Mae.
When I withhold the truth from her, she accuses me of keeping her in the dark and of scheming behind her back.

I pray… really pray for this whole ordeal to be over. All I want is to love and to be loved. All I want is to be the best son I can be, the best husband I can be, and the best father I can be. Is that too much to ask for?

I've humbled myself, removed my pride, pushed aside all the injustices, choosing to forgive, choosing to be patient, choosing to give my mom grace. But it seems that I am not getting any grace or understanding in return.

Family gatherings make me sick, because I know that beneath the surface of all the merry making and all the smiles and conversation… I am being judged, I am being labeled, I am not being truly accepted for the person that I am. And how I wish I didn't have to take part in the superficiality, but yet as a responsibility and as a respect to my mother I have to join in… to be part of "the family"… but what kind of family is this? What kind of family will make comments without understanding the full picture? What kind of family will be "concerned" and yet talk behind my back, without approaching me for clarification? What kind of family will be so concerned over status and face, and fail to see a person a whole being, not just the outside appearance?

And even when I'm quiet, accepting that I have to have an unhappy birthday, an unhappy CNY, an unhappy 2nd anniversary, I'm still being questioned and accused, misunderstood, and unappreciated.

I choose the road of forgiveness… but how difficult this road is…

It is a road which I have to choose every day… not to be upset, not to be disappointed, not to be angry, not to be discouraged, but to trust that God knows the way through this dark dark valley. He knows when it is time to emerge on the other side into the green pastures.

I still stand here, waiting, praying, yearning for the day when I can come out of hiding, when I can just be who I am.

Daddy guide me…

And give me strength for the journey.

week b4 my birthday

Another tough week has passed. Dear dear has been hit by several blows this week with regards to her term tests, as well as to do with the way Fiona has been treating her in school. It has been a challenge for me having to try to cheer her up... especially when I've had troubles in school myself. But thank God that she decided to spend some time with Daddy to trash things out... and it seems like things are back to normal again. Thank God for how He can change our atttitudes and our hearts. I need to spend more time with God too because I've been facing some tough times. My students have been breaking my heart with their immaturity, and I've had to see to so many things in school. It has been hard to cope. I'm barely staying afloat. Thank God the New Year break is coming so at least I have a few days off to catch up.

My birthday falls on the first day of Chinese New Year this year. This gives it a bittersweet feeling. My birthday and our second anniversary... and we will not be able to spend the day together. I wish and I pray that God will really find a way soon to bring an end to all the misunderstanding and the hurts in my family, that we can put away all the bitterness and to move on for the benefit of all parties. I wish and I pray... and I hope.

Maybe it is time for me to write another letter to my mom.

Dear dear... when you read this, please know that I love you a lot a lot. I don't know if I can love anybody in this world more than I love you. I thank Daddy for molding and changing you, and I thank you that you are still pressing on with me even though you have suffered so many setbacks and unfavourable circumstances. I am proud of you. Yes sometimes we still hurt each other by the things we say and do... but I am utterly convinced that with Daddy in the centre of this relationship, our relationship and our marriage will be an overcoming one, against all odds.

You are precious to me. You are fast becoming my wife of noble character. You have humbled yourself and laid down your pride. You have crucified your old self, even though it may appear again from time to time. I look forward to the day I can call you my wife. I look forward to the day we have the keys to our own home. I look forward to the day our first child is born. I look forward to the day you prove to everybody that God is real and at work in your life, that they might look at you and say, our God is an amazing God.

I know that our God is the God of the impossible. I know that if we put Him first he will grant us the desires of our hearts. I love you dearly and deeply. You are a dream come true for me. I love you.

Friday Thoughts

What a hectic week this has been... haven't had much time for rest. I have been left feeling tired, worn out and exhausted for pretty much the whole week. I've had problems with CCA, needed to keep an eye on the renovations of the music room, had to catch up with work, marking and other responsibilities. Thank God for the weekend, but I know that it will pass in a flash, as usual. I find myself perpetually trying to catch up. I wish I had more time to think and reflect and to just refresh myself. Unfortunately I don't, and there never seems to be enough time for anything.

I think I need to learn to put Daddy first... I think that the only way to solve the problem is that I need to spend more time with Daddy. Then, He will give me the efficiency to get things done. I pray that He will keep me on the right path, that He will give me the wisdom to handle each situation that I face at my work place.

My dear dear has been in a better mood this week, and I thank Daddy for that. It hasn't been easy facing so many difficulties at work and at the same time having to give her as much time and energy as I can. I know that things are not going smoothly for her too, I know that she needs my encouragement and my support. I just pray that I won't rely on my own strength, but I will let Daddy work in me and through me.

I love you dear dear... I appreciate all that you've done in this relationship. I know that Daddy is working through you. I know that He is molding you and changing you. I know that He is preparing you to be my wife of noble character. I thank God for all that He has done in your life. I thank Him for helping you grow in maturity and faith. I thank you for believing in me and in us. I thank you for submitting yourself to what Daddy wants to do in your life. I know that it hasn't been easy for you. I know that there has been many painful moments. But I thank Daddy that you are still hanging on and sticking around. You are precious to me. I love you and I want to learn to love you more each day. I want to submit myself to Daddy so that He can change me into a better person... so that I can be a better leader, a better husband, a better son, and a better father. I see the weeknesses in me and I know that I fall short in so many ways. I know that I need to learn and I need to be molded to. It hasn't been easy for me and it will not be easy for me in the coming months. But I am willing to go through the fire, that my character might be refined, that my heart can be purified that I shine forth as gold. I love you dear

A visit to HDB

My dear dear and me took a trip to HDB for our flat selection. At first, we were wondering if we should still go for the appointment, because our queue number was 347 with only 180 flats available. We decided to just give it a go to see if we still can get a flat. By the grace of God, there were still flats available, but most of them were on the 2nd story. There was one last flat remaining on the 3rd story, and we were quite tempted to just put our name down for it. If we were still scheduled to get married in November, then I would have definitely say yes. We wouldn't know if we would get another chance to choose a new flat in a mature estate. However, choosing the flat now would mean we have to get married soon, and with the situation as it is now with my mom, it is really not an easy decision to make. I was very proud of my dear dear... she managed to bring herself to say "Lets think about your mom... she wouldn't like it if we got the flat now... it might seems as though we were forcing her to accept our marriage".

This definately is not an easy thing for my dear dear to say. I know how much she wants to get married. I know how much she wants to get a flat with me. I'm really proud of her for not choosing to put her own desires first. It is amazing what God has done in her life in a short time. I thank God for His work... and I pray that by His grace, our relationship will continue to stand the test of time.

It was difficult for me to let go of the flat, especially as we didn't expect to have much of a choice left. I thank God for the experience. I pray that very soon, we will be able to choose a flat for real.

In the meantime... we only keep our dreams, and we keep believing that God will make a way in our situation.

Proud of Dear Dear

Finally the weekend is here, and I want to thank Daddy for taking me through it. Yesterday was especially hard for me in school… having to run all over the place, taking care of things. Met the contractors for 2 hours to discuss the colour schemes. After that, had to be there at harmonica practice.

Today was quite a good day. Had a chance to stay at home to relax a little… I enjoyed my time at intercession, though I felt that Daddy was telling me that this year has to be different, has to be a year of growth, of maturity.

I am extremely proud of my dear dear, who seems to be adapting well and growing a lot a lot. She has made decisions recently that have made everybody else sit up and notice, decisions that haven't exactly been very easy for her. I am glad that Daddy is really working in her life in such a mighty way… she really looks more and more beautiful as she allows Daddy to have His way in her life. I know that she hasn't been going through an easy patch, and this makes me appreciate all her efforts even more. I am proud of her. I believe in her… and now I have to watch myself that I don't slack spiritually. If not, she will overtake me and leave me stranded behind!

Dear dear I love you… thanks for believing in us. Thanks for choosing a road that is not the easiest for you. Thanks for thinking that this road is worth all that you put in. Thank you for allowing Daddy to change you and to make you a more beautiful person…

Muek muek I love you very very much.

Long Week

It has been a long week. Only one and a half weeks of the term gone, and I'm feeling drained already. I've tried to plan better and to be more efficient. But it is one thing to start out, but another to sustain the momentum.

My room's back to being a mess, quite demoralising. School has been tiring. I'm constantly trying to stay one step ahead in my lesson preparations, but it has been tough. CCA commitment is a challenge... I still have to arrange the SYF piece. I don't know when I can find the time to get that done.

I still am not spending much time with Daddy. I've been trying to pray for my students more though. It has been on and off. I feel that my class management is slightly better, but still can be improved on.

It has been an extreme week in terms of emotions. My dear dear has been really good the last 2 weeks, but then just last night it came crashing down again. I'm glad that both of us have rebounded from what happened last night. I am just happy to put it behind us. I know that I love her very very much. I know now that I want the best for her. I want to learn to be more responsible, to be able to take care of her better. Life hasn't been easy on her... even now. Maybe I'm one of her few blessings in life. I need to learn to be a greater blessing to her to make up for all the minuses in her life. I know that God has a reason for allowing her to go through what she is going through... but I know that Daddy wants me to learn how to love sacrificially and to learn to handle difficult situations and to persevere through tough trials.

On the whole, my life is still messy, though I'm learning to make it neater and better. I know I have a long way to go. I still feel very inadequate and yet I know that I am blessed, that Daddy has been kind to me.

I pray that I will learn to count my blessings every day, and to learn how to pray without ceasing. I need to really pray always in every situation with all kinds of prayer. I need to watch and remind myself not to fall into satan's traps and be taken in by his many tricks. I want to focus on Daddy, and on his abundant grace, mercy and love.

I love you dear dear... and I love you dearest Daddy. I know that I have disappointed you both at times, and yet I thank you that you both still believe in me. Daddy, thank you for all that you have given me and all that you've done for me. I want to learn to love you more with a pure heart. Please teach me how to deny myself and to take up my cross daily. Help me to find my rest in the shadow of your wings.

Bad morning for dear dear

My dear dear had a bad morning today... if she is reading this, I just want her to know that I am very proud of her, and that I believe in her. Even though she might still be a work in progress, I know that one day God will finish his work in her and she will bloom into a beautiful princess of the Most High.

I know that God will work miracles in her life....

Dear dear cheer up ok? remember that I love you very much and that I believe in you.... you are precious to me and I love you...

Orientation Weekend

It has been an extremely busy weekend. Yesterday was the orientation concert and CCA fair. It was an emotional ordeal for me as I was in charge of handling the concert as well as taking care of my own CCA. I had also the combinded auditions for the Musical groups to worry about, so the whole day was a mad rush to get things done. I upset certain other teachers as well with my inadequate preparations.. I had to look back at the whole event and try to take back as many learning points as I can from the whole day. I also upset some CCA members, when they saw me helping out the band with their performance. I was upset within me because some of them made some extremely unfair comments about me not being committed to the Harmonica Ensemble. I had to address the issue, but I also had to hold back my tears, and telling myself that they are just not at that level of maturity yet where they can see the big picture.

I came back home really dead tired after one entire day of standing up and carrying out so many responsibilities. Thankfully I had a refreshing rest at night... my dear dear was nice enough to let me have a relatively early night... She could see that I was dead tired.

Today in comparism was a much more relaxed day... Had tuition as usual, but managed to squeeze in a visit to New Creation Church, which was refreshing. God reminded me of the fact that only He could give me true rest and carry me through the trials and the struggles that I face. Pastor Prince was able to illustrate the truths extremely well. Was certainly blessed and challenged.

I am so pleased that my dear dear has been so positive this past few days. She has really been an inspiration to me. I thank God that He is at work in her life, even through all the struggles that she faces. I pray that Daddy will bless her and will honour her commitment and sacrifice. I pray that Daddy will truly make her a wife of noble character, and that He will make me a good leader in this relationship.

Thinking of You... Thinking of You Fondly

Haven't had much time to blog this week... so, I'm trying to make up for it now by writing more than one entry today:

I think over the last week my dear dear has been fantastic. She has been so supportive and so wonderful even though she has not been having an easy time. Yes, we've had not so good moments during Christmas and during New Year's Eve... but she seems to have come out stronger and more determined than before. She has been making some bold decisions, and she has taken steps to forge a closer relationship with Daddy, and to become an even more supportive girlfriend and future-wife. Thanks dear...

I really love you a lot. I treasure what we have together... I treasure and cherish the times we can spend together. I thank Daddy for giving me you... a wonderful partner who choses to stand with me, to persevere with me through thick and thin.

You know that I have given up much to be with you. But I also think that you have given up much... you have chosen to let Daddy change you and to mold you, even though it hasn't been an easy refining process for you. You have had to endure much heartache and trials. You have had to choose to see things positively even when the silver linings have not always been that visible. I thank you and I am proud of you for choosing all that.

I pray for you now that Daddy will bless you, and that He will give you the strength to rise above the occasion. He has such a wonderful plan for you and for us. He believes in you and He loves you more than I can ever love you. And yet I know in my heart I love you more than any earthly thing.

I believe in Daddy and I believe in us and I believe in you. I know that after this refining process, you will shine forth as gold.

I know that I will be getting my wife of noble character. I love you.... I always will...

I pray we will press on... together...

A Frantic First Week

Yes... the mad rush to catch up is back. It is back to school time, and I am determined to make things work better this time around. I've met most of the classes already for the first time, and I am excited for the year ahead. It is nice to be able to follow up my students this year, even though some of them have been streamed to the top class. I will be working with the bottom end of the express. I want to improve and not make the same mistakes as I made the last year. I want to be more organised and more effective, espeially in terms of making sure the people in my class complete their assignments on time. I want to improve my channel of communication with them. I want them to be able to give me suggestions for improvement.

Besides teaching, there are still all the other responsibilities that I have to attend to... I need to take care of the Harmonica Club, as well as to keep an eye out for the choir and the band. I need take charge of the Orientation concert. I need to do my best so that the musical groups stay alive this year.

Back to School

2 days of school has passed... and the mad rush has begun... a new year with new challenges... need to remember to pray and pray for my students.

Thoughts about the New Year

A brand new year, and with it, a brand new start. Many hopes and dreams to realise, many lessons to learn and struggles to overcome.

My prayer is that this year will be a year of breakthrough. Breakthrough in terms of my spiritual life, which has deteriorated over the past 2 years. Also, a breakthrough in my personal life, a cleansing of my soul and spirit, with a renewed focus and determination to set my eyes on that which is right. A patience to endure all the hardships that God has placed in my life. These hardships are there to mold me and to build up my faith and my character... to make me more mature and more able to withstand all that satan throws at me. Also, to build me up, so that when others struggle and face the battles, I can be there to encourage them, to spur them on.

It is a challange to want to do all things right, especially when there are still such big outstanding issues to work out...

I say I need to pray more, but whether I actually do really remains to be seen.

I need to be a doer of the Word and not just a hearer and a speaker. The truth needs to be lived out and to be demonstrated in my life. And God certainly has given me the opportunities. I just haven't taken them very well over the last year.

This new year is a new chance.

I am encouraged by the way my dear dear is taking this new year. She actually has made resolutions, when before, she said that she didn't believe in making resolutions because she never ever keeps them.

I love it when she is on a spiritual high. I certainly have to appreciate and remember these times so that when she is low, I will not succumb to discouragement, but I will have the strength to be that light to pull her back out of the depths again.

I need to be stable, I need to be strong in the Lord. I need to be the leader in this relationship. I need to demonstrate what I want her to learn in faith, and at the same time, I need to be pushed spiritually by her to reach for greater heights.

Tomorrow I start school. I am determined to do a better job than before. I am determined to be more organised, to be more purposeful and focussed. I need to do what I say I will do and not to put things off. I need to be efficient and to be effective. I need to produce results in my class and not merely good ideas. I need to pray for my students daily and to encourage them. I need divine wisdom to know how to motivate them. I need to be their light and their mentor and friend. It is a challenge...

God help me I pray, and give me the strength... I need you now more than ever before.

Staff Meeting

In the middle of the staff meeting now... The adrenaline is starting to rush again with a full year of things to do. So many new policies and new strategic initiatives to think about.

Recovery

It has been a good couple of days, since the weekend bust up. My dear dear has seemed more determined to keep her focus on Daddy... She has been encouraging, understanding. My mom seems to be softening up again. She has been trying to be more appreciative, and I in turn have tried to talk to her more. On the whole, the situation now seems positive considering how bad everything was over the weekend. Thank God for that. I need to push ahead, to make the most out of the next few days to get things done for the new year. It is going to be a long year for me... a potentially life-changing year... a new begining.

Tomorrow is Joanna's wedding... really happy for her that she has found her partner. I believe I have found mine too but only God knows when I will be able to be married. I pray it will be soon.

In the meantime... I have to get my life in order... I have to pray more, to spend more time drawing strength from God.

Aftermath

It has been a good couple of days, since the weekend bust up. My dear dear has seemed more determined to keep her focus on Daddy... She has been encouraging, understanding. My mom seems to be softening up again. She has been trying to be more appreciative, and I in turn have tried to talk to her more. On the whole, the situation now seems positive considering how bad everything was over the weekend. Thank God for that. I need to push ahead, to make the most out of the next few days to get things done for the new year. It is going to be a long year for me... a potentially life-changing year... a new begining.

Tomorrow is Joanna's wedding... really happy for her that she has found her partner. I believe I have found mine too but only God knows when I will be able to be married. I pray it will be soon.

In the meantime... I have to get my life in order... I have to pray more, to spend more time drawing strength from God.

A Trying Christmas

It has certainly been a long and eventful weekend- one of the most trying Christmases I've had. Christmas Eve, we took William out to celebrate his birthday. We wanted to make it a meaningful day for him, especially because this year hasn't been an easy year for him at all. We didn't want him to stay at home to brood over things, so we brought him out for dinner…

Before dinner I had a slight disagreement with my dear dear, and it made both of us in an uneasy frame of mind for the dinner.

We had dinner at Suki Sushi, an excellent sushi restaurant with a fantastic sushi buffet deal. We were eating away trying to make the most of the situation, to be happy so that William will have a pleasant day to remember.

That was when my mom called, to ask if I'd be back for dinner on New Year's eve. I asked her if she was giving me the choice, and that if she was giving me the choice I'd rather be out because I probably have dinners to attend elsewhere. She got rather upset at this and passed a comment that my schedule was "the same as before." This comment really really upset me. Here I was, trying to respect my mom, calling of the wedding, agreeing to her unreasonable 2-year plan, and trying my best to be home as much as I can… and all these efforts seemed in vain. All she could do was to criticize my schedule. I was angry and upset, and I shouted at her over the phone in the restaurant. I blew my top…

We ended up having a long argument over the phone, and she got so upset that she started calling herself satan, and refusing to talk to me, hanging up the phone on me.

I really regretted losing my temper at her. I realize that it was not the right thing to do… and yet, at that moment, it was so difficult to keep my cool. I sat there wondering if all my efforts to please my mom, to show her that I respect her and that I love her have gone to waste.

I regret losing my patience, and in so doing, spoiling William's birthday. I was quite touched that he was so understanding about it… but I felt so useless… wanting to make the day special for him, but in the end, ruining it with my actions and my words. He was very nice to be there for us on that day, especially to comfort my dear dear. He really is a good brother to me.

The next day we had family lunch at my uncle's place… my mom went about as though nothing was wrong. I was glad that she was enjoying herself, but I was upset at how superficial her attitude seemed. On one hand, she wants this family thing… and yet on the other hand, this family thing does not seem to include true acceptance and understanding and respect. Everything has to be so prim and proper. I do believe in family, but I desire a family that respects each other through thick and thin, though commonalities and differences, though good times and bad times.

I don't believe I ask for very much, just that my mom will respect my choices, my decisions, my life. I don't see why she has to get so upset over my choice of a life partner… after all, is she going to spend the rest of her life with my dear dear, or am I?

Well… when we all went home, I wanted to talk to my mom to clear things up, but unfortunately, there were 2 guests in our house and my mom didn't think it appropriate to talk at that moment… I was, however, just wanting to clear things up and I got really upset… my mom didn't want to talk but she asked me to clear up the mess that she had created- she burnt up the one year old box of chocolate last night.

I just went into my room and started crying and crying. I was so upset. I just didn't know what to do.

Thank God that even when I was utterly lost and in despair, He reached out to pull me back. He retrieved the situation. Eventually I had a good talk with my mom, and we both resolved to keep trying to make things work. She didn't say much… most of the talking was done by me as I poured out my heart to her. I tried to explain things in as fair and as objective a way as I knew how to.

Thank God that what satan meant for evil, God turned for His good. Satan wants to tear my family apart and to work through each of us, but God is turning the situation around for His purposes.

I certainly hope that the next Christmas will be a better one…

I hope and I pray that God will make a way…

Tim and the Party

It has been a long day… Woke up still not feeling completely well… My throat is still giving me problems.

Met Tim for lunch, which was very fruitful indeed. Haven't seen him for 1 ½ years as he has been away doing his studies in America. It is great to see how much he has grown (both physically and spiritually). He shared about his life in US, as well as his struggles with his family, having to mediate between his brother and his parents. I identified with his situation, sharing with him what's been happening in my life and with my mom.

Muek muek

good night dear... i love you so much... one more day nearer to being with you... muek
thanks for believing in me and with me... I love you

Love Daddy and Love Dear Dear

It was an interesting afternoon... was supposed to go and test drive the Toyota that mom wants to buy, but the guy was not available today...

Had a little bit of a tiff with my dear dear over going to church... maybe I was too harsh on her... I know that she loves me a lot and that she wants to spend as much time as possible with me... but all along, it is not that I don't want to spend time with her, but I feel as though Daddy should always come first.

I always wanted a partner who would never grow tired of going to church with me... I believe that my dear dear still is going to be that someone... I just need to be more patient and less demanding on her. After all she is going through a tough time. But it did hurt when it didn't seem as though she was very keen to go to the watchnight service with me. mmm... sigh. well, I'm sure somehow Daddy will help us clear this up so things can be normal again.

I hope that when my dear dear reads this, she will know that I love her very very much.

I also enjoy spending time with her... but I most enjoy it when we spend time together with Daddy... That is what makes me the most filled...

I love her and I believe in her and I want the best for her. I hope and pray that Daddy reminds her of that always.

Sorry for hurting you dear dear... I didn't mean it... sorry... I still love you very very much and I still want to marry you. don't be upset ok? let us focus on Daddy together... i love you very very much muek

Long Day

Quite a long day doing up the sound file for my school and then in the evening spent hours trying to configure the wireless network at Teck Whye. Miissing dear dear... muek muek muek muek. Can't wait to see her again. mmm...

Took my first jog today in a long long time. Feeling very unfit and quite overweight... Its so hard to put myself back in the get fit & lose weight frame of mind again.

Monday Morning

Monday morning and the Tree misses the Koala bear a lot a lot a lot... Koala bear is going to school to take maths quiz... Tree is right behind her giving her the encouragement and support... muek muek

Saturday :)

Spent the whole saturday doing stuff... sorting stuff out, after which went to Goodwood part Hotel for big uncle's 70th Birthday. Great to see Ling Ling and Boy Boy there tonight. Had a good time catching up with them.

The first week back from Myanmar has passed... and so far things seem to be heading the right direction. My mom seems to be slowly softening up. I'm not expecting an instant miracle but I think as we trust Daddy together, things will change. It hasn't been easy by any means... Still is tough and there is a long way to go... but with prayers and faith I believe that the tide will turn.

Still can improve... I still need to focus on daddy more... but on the whole, it is a reasonable start. I thank my dear dear for being understanding and for persevering with me in this journey. Love you dear... and keep believing and praying ok?

Friday

Today's the last day of the conference. The conference ended at noon, after which I proceeded to school to get some work done. There was so much to pack in school. I was relatively please that I got a reasonable amount of packing done... but my table is still in somewhat of a mess. Looking at all the other clean tables around the staff room, I knew that I needed to get up to scratch.

I am now on my way to pick up my dear dear to go to church. It has been awhile since we've seen each other... I thank God for keeping us close even though we haven't been meeting. Along the way, I started with my memory verses again. I really need to keep myself in tip-top spiritual shape. If not, I will not have the stamina and strength to handle this tough year ahead.

Thursday Afternoon

Just read dear dear's blog today... i'm really very proud of her because she is allowing Daddy to work in her life. It isn't an easy process for her because it goes against her natural inclinations... She is choosing to let Daddy change her and mold her. As she continues to choose to be an overcomer, Daddy is making her more and more beautiful.

For me, I'm really pushing myself to be more efficient with my time. I'm watching the way I spend my time and I don't want to spend too much time doing things where there is no fruit. I need to learn how to invest my time wisely.

Thursday Morning

Managed to get a decent amount of sleep last night... Still fighting illness, and the rest I got definately helped.

Another full day at the seminar. Still feeling overwhelmed at the breadth of material covered. Putting a lot of thought into how to shape my maths class for next year.

Must also remember to get through the whole day praying continually... Learning how to include prayer in everything I do during the day.

Waiting for her call...

Evening time spent packing my room… which is perpetually in a mess… my dear dear is with jean… waiting for her to come back and to call me, but she is taking quite long… I don't know how long I'll be able to hold out as my whole system is not feeling good at all. I'm really being "attacked" from all angles and I really need to focus on Daddy to keep my spirits up. There are just so many things I've left undone… Really not very happy with my organizational skills… Sigh… when will my dear dear come home? Waiting and waiting… love you dear… muek

A bad throat

Woke up with a really bad throat and feeling physically very drained. Made my way to the seminar... and glad to hear from Joanna about her wedding... but at the same time makes me think again about my own situation. Struggling with thoughts but reminded myself that God is in control, that somehow everything would work out for good.

My dear dear sounds upset today... satan is probably attacking her after she was so positive yesterday. I know that she is struggling like me. My heart goes out to her.

Was happy to hear from my colleague that my harmonica group did very well for the competition quite proud of what they have achieved

Bunty's Visit

It was great that Bunty came to visit my mom and me today. She was great, and able to really connect and to chat with her. She shared about her various experiences travelling to different countries, about the many miracles that had taken place and how God had been faithful. She challenged my mom to read The Heavenly Man. She didn't get a chance to minister further, but I was happy enough that she was able to reach out as a friend to my mom. I was blessed by what she shared as well.

ATCM

It has been a long day... Didn't sleep very well last night, was a little jet lagged and had to put my dear dear to sleep cause first day back from myanmar. Woke up with a headache. First day at the Asian Technology Conference in Mathematics. It was really quite a learning experience and quite a good exposure to all the many things I didn't know about being a good maths teacher. I was greatly challenged and impressed to be a better teacher.

On the plane back home

On the plane back from Myanmar. Back to the "real world". This is my real mission ground. This is where my spiritual growth will be measured. God has been gracious in Myanmar. I've had opportunities for God to work through me... and yet through the week, I've come to an acute knowledge of my own failings. I am not on a "spiritual high", but rather I've been hit by spiritual reality. I have seen how ugly I am and how much I need His love, His grace and His mercy.

"God is waiting for us to come to that utter destitution of soul" Arthur Katz, True Fellowship pg71

I know I need to die daily. Everyday is a new test, a new battleground. Am I going to live this day denying myself? Or am I going to live this day denying God?

I know that God is working a death in Mae too. She has been through a torrid time these last month or so. God is allowing test after test, trial after trial. Sometimes I wonder whether she is able to withstand all this. I tell myself the God knows what He is doing, and that He will grant her the strength to handle this test, and that He will guide her through this dark valley. But still it has been so difficult seeing her struggle and seeing her suffer… and yet I feel God telling me that He is doing a work in her life… a work that isn't easy but is necessary for His glory to shine through her. Both of us need to learn to remain crucified daily…

Week flown past

Wow... the week has flown past. It has been a tough week, having to deal with a busy schedule, emotional and spiritual stuggles. God has been speaking to me, and yet I have not always been ready to listen. Sometimes I've wanted to turn a deaf ear, to just rebel for a while. satan has been trying to get a hold on my life. he has been trying to attack me through my emotions, through the areas in which I am most vulnerable. God has reminded me to be crucified to my flesh, that I should be denying myself, taking up the cross and following Him, but I have not always been doing that. It has been a bitter struggle. God is asking me whether I'm a true believer, or whether I'm just a phoney Christian. I desire to be a true believer with boldness and with great faith. But often I seem to be struggling with the powers that wrestle within me, and it makes things worse to know that Mae is struggling desperately as well. Certainly this walk with God is not an easy one. Was it ever meant to be? I know that God is refining me in the fire, and I realise the more I struggle and resist, the slower I will develop godly character and fruit. To yield to Him is a daily thing, a daily decision that is often so difficult and painful, and yet deep inside, one knows that it is painfully necessary. I am on the path to develop godly habits, and to rid myself of ungodly ones.... being in cold turkey is never easy, but painfully necessary. I realise that for Mae and me, this is something we need to do together as a team with each other's prayer and support. We cannot do it one our own for we are weak and we will surely fail. We need God's strength and each other's support. I haven't been consistent in my walk in Myanmar. I have been distracted by the TV, movies and sport. It has sucked away the time that I should have been spending with God. There are only a few days left here, but I know I need to conquer this before I go. Drastic measure have to be taken, like unplugging the TV and keeping the remote control in a inconvenient place. I need to be in tip-top condition because when I go back home, it is another battle to be fought and won.
The past 2 days have been positive for my dear dear... she seems to be learning how to cope better... I really thank Daddy for that... I have to do her proud here as well... I need to get my act together. I thank God for continuing to be faithful even when I haven't been all that faithful. He has been working in the hearts of the people here in Myanmar. I see a strong hunger and desire that I know that I must catch as well. They are much more consistent in prayer than I am... I need to address that. I need to improve on my closet prayer, my personal prayer time. I cannot only rely on church meetings for my growth. I need that consistent intimate time set aside to be with Dadddy. I need to be open before Him. I need to be wholly given to Him. I need to be surrendered to Him. If not I will never leave the plateau that I am on to go to greater heights of faith. If not, I will never grow into a deeper dimension of worship and a greater spiritual stature.
satan is robbing my of my spiritual blessings and I'm just willingly letting him do that. This has to stop, and I need to stand up for Daddy. I need to be firm and to be strong in my faith. I need to run the race well and to fight the good fight. I need to always be prepared to be used by Daddy for His glory. There can not be any spiritual off days for me. I don't want to be just a sunday Christian. I don't want to be a phoney any more. I want to live the victorious new life that Daddy has planned for me. It has to start from today.

On my way to Myanmar

On my way to Myanmar with mixed feelings. The last day has been such a difficult one. I believe that satan is trying all ways and means to distract me, to discourage me. I've been made to feel so weak, so useless, so helpless. I feel the weight of the burdens of Mae and my Mom on my shoulders. It has been so difficult to concentrate, to prepare for the trip. Honestly I've been having second thoughts about going on the trip. Sometimes I have been tempted to ask, "why God?" I'm choosing to honour you, to sacrifice, to submit myself, and yet still the road is so difficult. I see what Mae is going through and I feel terrible. Why is she allowed to go through all these stuggles, trials, and to endure all this unfair treatment? Why do I have no answers, no words to say that can actually make her feel better... to make it easier for her to handle this trial. She is being overwhelmed. And on the other hand, my Mom is also being overwhelmed... and I am caught in between. Sometimes I ask, why can't I just not bother about protocol, why can't I just rebel, for a change. It is certainly so much easier just to consider myself being rejected by my family. I can then just concentrate on living a happy life.

Sad that Dear Dear's Upset

Feeling quite helpless now because my dear dear is in one of her moods... she is upset over the whole issue, and I don't know what I can say to her. I feel sorry that I have put her into this difficult position, but I really don't know what else I could have done... All I want to do is to do what Daddy wants me to do. :(

Thank You for Being So Brave

The 2-year challenge approaches: Dear dear, thank you for being so brave. I know that it is not in your nature to be so brave or to be so understanding or to believe so much. I know how difficult it must be for you. I just want you to know that I appreciate what you are doing, that I believe in you despite your mood swings. Though you might still be struggling with the different voices in your head, I trust and I pray that Daddy will help you, that you will have the mind of Chist to focus on all that is good and positive.

I will be representing us soon... just like Jacob who worked 14 years to win his true love, I too will be working, but for 2 years, to win the right to be with you. There is no other girl that I want to be with.

Love you dear... remember not to close up to me or to Daddy... we need to do this together...

Letter from Dear dear to Dear dear

To my dear dear:

I know that things haven't been at all easy for you. It hasn't been a bed of roses. I admit that many times I wonder why you don't just give up and find someone else who can fulfill your dreams, who can give you a mother-in-law who is loving, who is willing to accept you for the beautiful person that you are. You have so many suitors... many times I ask, why choose me?

And yet even as I ask myself that question, I am grateful that you have stood by my side. Many other girl would have left for greener pastures... you are still here and you are choosing to believe in me and my family. You are allowing Daddy to change you and to refine you. You are persevering in the midst of an extreme trial and undeserved persecution. More and more each day, you are becoming the girl i've always dreamed of marrying. I can feel your sacrificial love...

I just want to say... thanks. I appreciate all that you have done. I appreciate you allowing yourselves to be molded in thisway. I appreciate you not hating my mom for what she has done and for the way she treats you. I appreciate you for choosing to believe in me even when few other people do so.

You are beautiful dear. You are a princess... and I thank Daddy for giving you to me. Though in this coming period of time we might not meet... but know and remember and believe that I am always thinking of you. I remember all my promises to you. I will come and collect you and to give you a wonderful wedding and a beautiful, lasting marriage. I will treasure and cherish the person that you are. I will set up a Daddy-filled family in partnership with you. I love you, and I know that you are the only girl that I ever want to marry. If I don't marry you... I will not marry at all.

Thank you...

I need you to believe with me, that Daddy will change this situation around, that Daddy will teach my mommy how to love and accept you, and to teach me and you how to love and understand my mommy more.

Do not be discouraged and do not despair ok? Daddy knows us and Daddy knows how we feel. He knows the situation we are facing and He will change it, not only for the better, but rather, for the best... for His best. We only need to trust Him and to always believe.

I love you always,

Your dear dear...

Reflections (29th Nov)

It has been a long time since I've consistently updated my journal. So many things have happened and I haven't had the time to adequately reflect on all that has taken place. I feel that I have lost myself, just living life letting it take me where it wants to lead me. I try in every area of my life to be in control, to live it well... but I fear that I'm not succeeding in the way that I hoped. Yes I try my best, but often in my own strength. I feel that I need to relearn being in submission to God and to what He wants and wills for my life. I have given Him my life 3 years back, and yet now, 3 years on, in many areas I have tried to take my life back from Him. I know, in my heart, just what I have to do, and I know that these coming 2 years are what God has prescribed for my ailment. He has given me the opportunity to find myself again, not the worldly me with all its cravings and lusts, but the spiritual me which will bring glory to Him. Right now, I feel so far from that ideal, but yet, I know God is still wooing me, still whispering into my heart and beckoning me to return.

Will I return? I have to. There is no other way for me to go. I need that divine wisdom, and that divine strength to take me through the winding valley paths.

God has put a great test and trial in my life. This whole incident with Mae, my Mom, and me has indeed placed a great burden in my heart. All along, my relationship with my mom has been far from perfect, due to a strong clash of characters and priorities in life. I am a dreamer, and she is a worrier. She likes to play safe, while I am one who dares to be different.

I have come to realise that to deal with difficult situations like these, the best way is to try to bridge the gap by showing my mom that I still love her, and that I am willing to sacrifice my wedding plans for her. And yet, I have to make it clear that I will not go on sacrificing forever, if there is no concession on her side.

The ball is in her court. She has a choice- to accept me for the person that I am, or to remain as stubborn and as inflexible as she is. I have already told her the consequences of each choice.

I hope and pray that she will change and to open up, but if she is not willing to do so even after I have humbled myself in this way, then I will have to withdraw myself from the family.

I do so not rejecting my family, but rather, realising that my family does not understand and appreciate the person that I am.

I love my mom... I have always loved her. I have lived my life always wanting to do her proud. I hope and pray that somehow she will realise that in me, she has a son that has done her proud.

I don't believe I ask for much as a son, just love, and acceptance, and an appreciation of all that I contribute to the family.

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

Please help my mom realise that she needs to let go of all her hurts and her worries. Please help her open up to you so she can be healed. Please show her just how much you love her. Please show her that my dear dear can be a very good daughter-in-law. Daddy I know you have your timing, but I ask for your grace in helping my mom soon. She has suffered for so long and so has my dear dear... please Daddy answer my prayer... I love you...

Len

More Crying

Was upset again today because my dear dear was upset and wanted to give up... that made me very upset... then I cry cry cry.... after that my dear dear changed her mind... then I was happy again... but still quite upset...
my brother came into my room to check out what was wrong... and then later my mom came in as well... i just rambled on and on about how upset I was with my mom. It hasn't been an easy time... many times I just feel so lost and don't know what to do... I don't like upsetting people but it seems like I always do things to upset those I love around me. I feel quite unappreciated and misunderstood. yah.... But i don't blame them ... especially my dear dear, because I know that they are not going through an easy time either. I won't blame my dear dear for anything she she does. I will keep my promises... I know I will...

Sad Sad

sad sad cause dear dear upset and don't know how to cheer her up :(

Lunch with Aunty Jenny and Proud of Dear Dear

After my O-level invigilation duties today, I went to my "aunty's" house for lunch, and had a very good time catching up and updating her on whats been happening in my life. Naturally, I told her about my situation with my mom, about my struggles and the challenges my dear dear and I face as a couple.

She was listening very intently to my sharing and I believe she understood my frustrations. I know that she could see both my mom's point of view (being a mother herself), but at the same time, she could see how my mom was being unreasonable in her words and in her actions.

Anyway, I do not expect her to "side" me in this issue, but I just want to let as many people as possible know the truth of the matter, that I do love my mom a lot, and that I am already doing all that I can to help my mom understand why i am doing what I am doing.

I am extremely proud of my dear dear for choosing this difficult road with me. It is certainly easier for her to find an easier life with someone else, or even easier to insist that I proceed to marry her anyway now in spite of my mom's objections. She is choosing to believe with me that somehow, our heavenly Father will do a miracle, that He will use this trial to do a changing work in each of our lives. She is choosing to exercise faith, even when the situation seems impossible. I am very proud of her. God has changed her to be someone more and more beautiful each day. She has learnt to lay down her dreams, and her desires, and to let God tranform her. Yes we both are still a work in progress, still not perfect, but I know that through this incident, God will refine us and purify and perfect our love to Him and to each other. I have no doubt that my dear dear is the one I want to marry. I know that I don't want any other girl. I know that I will keep my commitment to come back for her after the 2 years. I know and I trust that God will take care of her in this 2 years better than I ever can. We choose to trust and to believe... Who will believe with us?

Adjusting and Bracing Ourselves

Meeting more or less everyday... cherishing all the time that we have left... bracing ourselves for the challenge ahead. It hasn't been easy, with attacks by satan at least once every day. It especially hasn't been easy for my dear dear. She has been trying her best to adjust, but it isn't coming easy. I can only be as patient and as loving as I can with her. I know that God has already done a great work in her life, maturing her, refining her, and He is still in the process of making her more and more beautiful. Need to pray and to keep believing in Daddy. He will make a way. He will give us the strength to carry through

Dear Dear love love...

Dear dear, I know that it has been hard on you.
satan is attacking you like mad and he wants to steal your peace, and your freedom, and your blessing.
We need to really be focussed together with Daddy in the centre to defeat the plans of the evil one.
We need to be strong in Daddy. We can not give up.
I just want to say again that I am proud of you and I am always believing in you.
Lets trust Daddy that he will lead the way for us out of the valley of the shadow of death, into green pastures.
Love you always

Promise 32

Everything will be alright and we will live happily ever after

Promise 31

for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness in health, till death do us part

Promise 30

we will always pray for our kids so that they grow up to be beautiful and mighty men and women for Daddy

Promise 29

dear dear and I will bring up our little ones in the faith and with love and affection, always giving them the hugs that they need

Promise 28

I will set up a wonderful home together with dear dear with daddy as the focus

Promise 27

I will cuddle my dear dear to sleep every night after we get married

Promise 26

I will marry dear dear and buy a nice house with an open toilet

Promise 25

I will always be encouraging to my dear dear

Promise 24

If they use super glue, I will use thinner to wash away the glue

Promise 23

I will shake shake shake until all other bear bears fall down and concuss

Promise 22

I will not allow any other bear to climb up this tree

Promise 21

I will love my dear dear more and more each day

Promise 20

I will miss my dear dear all the time

Promise 19

I will think of my dear dear all the time

Promise 18

I will pray every day for Daddy to work a miracle

Promise 17:

I will go to church as much as I can ;)

Promise 16:

I will work on the blissful pigsty part 2 etc

Promise 15:

I will update webpage

Promise 14:

I will email and write letters ;)

Promise 13:

I will update my blog often

Promise 12:

I will watch every movie my dear dear watches

Promise 11:

I will sms like crazy

Promise 10:

I will call my dear dear often and put her to sleep

Promise 9:

I will tell my dear dear exactly where I went and what I did every day

Promise 8:

Besides diamond ring, still have diamond pendant and err "diamond" cross

Promise 7:

I give diamond ring as a sign of my commitment

Promise 6:

I will deposit money in our joint account every month

Promise 5:

I will come and collect my dear dear after 2 years, even if she give up

Promise 4:

Even if my dear dear give up, I will not give up

Promise 3:

I will not marry any other girl if I don't marry dear dear

Promise 2:

I will marry my dear dear after 2 years

Promises

Promise 1: I will always love my dear dear

The 2 year challenge

So the gauntlet has been laid down... If I don't meet my dear dear for 2 years, then my mom will consider accepting her. A completely crazy, and unfair proposition, but if that is what it takes, then so be it. After these 2 years, I won't stand for any one telling me I haven't tried or done my best to be a "filial son." My heart goes out to my dear dear, and to my mom. Yes, I am caught in between, a giant sandwich, but somehow I believe that it is going to turn out for good. The evil that satan intended will turn out for good. Humanly, we won't be able to survive. But because we both believe God is in this, somehow we can get through.

Mad Rush...

Haven't been updating my blog for a long time, mainly because i've been so caught up with things... so much work to do, had to prepare my students for the end-of-year examinations.
There has also been other jobs in school that have been placed on my shoulders- the biggest one being to redesign and to renovate the music laboratory in my school. This is an extremely big responsibility for a beginning teacher like me, and I can only pray and trust Daddy that I'd be able to complete the task effectively and efficiently. I thank all those who have been giving me support. My dear dear especially, and also some of my colleagues in school who have been very helpful.
Another thing on my mind are the wedding preparations... have been planning the wedding even though I haven't officially proposed yet... don't want to say too much here right now because I don't want my dear dear to find out if I've bought the ring or not... and I don't want her to be able to guess exactly when I'm going to propose.
Stay tuned for more updates on this front... need to go to school now...
;) God bless!

Dear Dear Upset

My dear dear is upset, and when she is upset, I get upset too.
I know there is little I can do except be that listening ear, to pray and to keep telling her that I believe in her.
I want her to know that I love her and that I am deeply concerned for her. I know maybe in some ways i'm lacking as a partner for her. Maybe i'm too busy... maybe i don't spend enough time with her. But I am trying my best and I know she knows that too... pray...

The Heart of a Teacher

Cried after class again... upset that I had upset a couple of my students.
It was after a group quiz on mean, mode, and median.
The 2 students felt that the judging was unfair: one called me a racist.
It upset me that these kids don't really know what they are saying.
They are not rebellious kids, actually very nice kids, but were so upset and involved in what they perceived as biased judging that they were actually tearing.

I was upset, because I realised that I could have done the lesson properly and more thoroughly.
I don't know why but the lesson worked perfectly well with my other class, but with this class, things always seem to go wrong.

I felt slightly unappreciated because my goal was really to make the lesson more fun and interesting. I am always seeking ways to improve myself, and yet the lesson ended sourly.

yah.

I know i'm not perfect. I will press on.
I know that Daddy will help me and that I will learn from this.
I thank Him for being patient with me.

May next year be a good teaching year...

Thinking Skills

It was a whole day at the thinking skills seminar today. Learnt quite a lot- different tools and strategies I can use to encourage thinking on an individual basis in class. Quite challenged to be committed to making my lessons more interesting and fresh, and to be the best possible teacher I can be to my kids. I feel like a small fish swimming in the big blue sea, learning the tricks of the trade. Also met some teachers from Australia and had a good chat with them, finding out how school is like for them back home. They were extremely friendly and chatty, quite unlike Singaporeans who tend to keep to themselves more. A refreshing change. An enjoyable day indeed... ;)

Holidays but still Busy to the Brim

Its one week break but really not much of a rest... the life of a teacher, always thinking ahead, preparing, working, trying to do things better. I pray that Daddy will help me to rest in Him... to do things in His strength and not my own... for if not, I don't think I will last long... I need to set aside time for Him. I need to be filled each day by Him... I need to touch Him and for Him to envelop me. I need Him. I need Him each day. I need Him now.

Looking for Somebody Lost in Life...

My blog today on Sunday...
certainly feel very far from Daddy... when I see the way my brothers worship and talk about Him, it reminds me of the way i was when I was about their age... now I just seem to be drowned out by life, with very little spirit and soul to show for. I yearn to go back to the times I was on fire, the times when I would be consistently walking. But it has been tough. But I will press on...

Hard at Work

Ever since i've become a full-fledged teacher life has changed...
I've experienced having to work into the wee-hours of the night just to prepare lessons and to mark books.
It hasn't been easy... and there is little time for anything else.
No regrets... it is a challenging and fufilling path... but still need to learn how to get better, especially at managing my time and becoming more efficient.

Need to be committed to set aside time to pray and to be with Daddy. Was grateful that I could spend some time worshipping Him with my brothers today... yah...

First Log

Hi :) this is my first blog on this site... :)
stay tuned...