Reflections (29th Nov)

It has been a long time since I've consistently updated my journal. So many things have happened and I haven't had the time to adequately reflect on all that has taken place. I feel that I have lost myself, just living life letting it take me where it wants to lead me. I try in every area of my life to be in control, to live it well... but I fear that I'm not succeeding in the way that I hoped. Yes I try my best, but often in my own strength. I feel that I need to relearn being in submission to God and to what He wants and wills for my life. I have given Him my life 3 years back, and yet now, 3 years on, in many areas I have tried to take my life back from Him. I know, in my heart, just what I have to do, and I know that these coming 2 years are what God has prescribed for my ailment. He has given me the opportunity to find myself again, not the worldly me with all its cravings and lusts, but the spiritual me which will bring glory to Him. Right now, I feel so far from that ideal, but yet, I know God is still wooing me, still whispering into my heart and beckoning me to return.

Will I return? I have to. There is no other way for me to go. I need that divine wisdom, and that divine strength to take me through the winding valley paths.

God has put a great test and trial in my life. This whole incident with Mae, my Mom, and me has indeed placed a great burden in my heart. All along, my relationship with my mom has been far from perfect, due to a strong clash of characters and priorities in life. I am a dreamer, and she is a worrier. She likes to play safe, while I am one who dares to be different.

I have come to realise that to deal with difficult situations like these, the best way is to try to bridge the gap by showing my mom that I still love her, and that I am willing to sacrifice my wedding plans for her. And yet, I have to make it clear that I will not go on sacrificing forever, if there is no concession on her side.

The ball is in her court. She has a choice- to accept me for the person that I am, or to remain as stubborn and as inflexible as she is. I have already told her the consequences of each choice.

I hope and pray that she will change and to open up, but if she is not willing to do so even after I have humbled myself in this way, then I will have to withdraw myself from the family.

I do so not rejecting my family, but rather, realising that my family does not understand and appreciate the person that I am.

I love my mom... I have always loved her. I have lived my life always wanting to do her proud. I hope and pray that somehow she will realise that in me, she has a son that has done her proud.

I don't believe I ask for much as a son, just love, and acceptance, and an appreciation of all that I contribute to the family.