Staff Meeting

In the middle of the staff meeting now... The adrenaline is starting to rush again with a full year of things to do. So many new policies and new strategic initiatives to think about.

Recovery

It has been a good couple of days, since the weekend bust up. My dear dear has seemed more determined to keep her focus on Daddy... She has been encouraging, understanding. My mom seems to be softening up again. She has been trying to be more appreciative, and I in turn have tried to talk to her more. On the whole, the situation now seems positive considering how bad everything was over the weekend. Thank God for that. I need to push ahead, to make the most out of the next few days to get things done for the new year. It is going to be a long year for me... a potentially life-changing year... a new begining.

Tomorrow is Joanna's wedding... really happy for her that she has found her partner. I believe I have found mine too but only God knows when I will be able to be married. I pray it will be soon.

In the meantime... I have to get my life in order... I have to pray more, to spend more time drawing strength from God.

Aftermath

It has been a good couple of days, since the weekend bust up. My dear dear has seemed more determined to keep her focus on Daddy... She has been encouraging, understanding. My mom seems to be softening up again. She has been trying to be more appreciative, and I in turn have tried to talk to her more. On the whole, the situation now seems positive considering how bad everything was over the weekend. Thank God for that. I need to push ahead, to make the most out of the next few days to get things done for the new year. It is going to be a long year for me... a potentially life-changing year... a new begining.

Tomorrow is Joanna's wedding... really happy for her that she has found her partner. I believe I have found mine too but only God knows when I will be able to be married. I pray it will be soon.

In the meantime... I have to get my life in order... I have to pray more, to spend more time drawing strength from God.

A Trying Christmas

It has certainly been a long and eventful weekend- one of the most trying Christmases I've had. Christmas Eve, we took William out to celebrate his birthday. We wanted to make it a meaningful day for him, especially because this year hasn't been an easy year for him at all. We didn't want him to stay at home to brood over things, so we brought him out for dinner…

Before dinner I had a slight disagreement with my dear dear, and it made both of us in an uneasy frame of mind for the dinner.

We had dinner at Suki Sushi, an excellent sushi restaurant with a fantastic sushi buffet deal. We were eating away trying to make the most of the situation, to be happy so that William will have a pleasant day to remember.

That was when my mom called, to ask if I'd be back for dinner on New Year's eve. I asked her if she was giving me the choice, and that if she was giving me the choice I'd rather be out because I probably have dinners to attend elsewhere. She got rather upset at this and passed a comment that my schedule was "the same as before." This comment really really upset me. Here I was, trying to respect my mom, calling of the wedding, agreeing to her unreasonable 2-year plan, and trying my best to be home as much as I can… and all these efforts seemed in vain. All she could do was to criticize my schedule. I was angry and upset, and I shouted at her over the phone in the restaurant. I blew my top…

We ended up having a long argument over the phone, and she got so upset that she started calling herself satan, and refusing to talk to me, hanging up the phone on me.

I really regretted losing my temper at her. I realize that it was not the right thing to do… and yet, at that moment, it was so difficult to keep my cool. I sat there wondering if all my efforts to please my mom, to show her that I respect her and that I love her have gone to waste.

I regret losing my patience, and in so doing, spoiling William's birthday. I was quite touched that he was so understanding about it… but I felt so useless… wanting to make the day special for him, but in the end, ruining it with my actions and my words. He was very nice to be there for us on that day, especially to comfort my dear dear. He really is a good brother to me.

The next day we had family lunch at my uncle's place… my mom went about as though nothing was wrong. I was glad that she was enjoying herself, but I was upset at how superficial her attitude seemed. On one hand, she wants this family thing… and yet on the other hand, this family thing does not seem to include true acceptance and understanding and respect. Everything has to be so prim and proper. I do believe in family, but I desire a family that respects each other through thick and thin, though commonalities and differences, though good times and bad times.

I don't believe I ask for very much, just that my mom will respect my choices, my decisions, my life. I don't see why she has to get so upset over my choice of a life partner… after all, is she going to spend the rest of her life with my dear dear, or am I?

Well… when we all went home, I wanted to talk to my mom to clear things up, but unfortunately, there were 2 guests in our house and my mom didn't think it appropriate to talk at that moment… I was, however, just wanting to clear things up and I got really upset… my mom didn't want to talk but she asked me to clear up the mess that she had created- she burnt up the one year old box of chocolate last night.

I just went into my room and started crying and crying. I was so upset. I just didn't know what to do.

Thank God that even when I was utterly lost and in despair, He reached out to pull me back. He retrieved the situation. Eventually I had a good talk with my mom, and we both resolved to keep trying to make things work. She didn't say much… most of the talking was done by me as I poured out my heart to her. I tried to explain things in as fair and as objective a way as I knew how to.

Thank God that what satan meant for evil, God turned for His good. Satan wants to tear my family apart and to work through each of us, but God is turning the situation around for His purposes.

I certainly hope that the next Christmas will be a better one…

I hope and I pray that God will make a way…

Tim and the Party

It has been a long day… Woke up still not feeling completely well… My throat is still giving me problems.

Met Tim for lunch, which was very fruitful indeed. Haven't seen him for 1 ½ years as he has been away doing his studies in America. It is great to see how much he has grown (both physically and spiritually). He shared about his life in US, as well as his struggles with his family, having to mediate between his brother and his parents. I identified with his situation, sharing with him what's been happening in my life and with my mom.

Muek muek

good night dear... i love you so much... one more day nearer to being with you... muek
thanks for believing in me and with me... I love you

Love Daddy and Love Dear Dear

It was an interesting afternoon... was supposed to go and test drive the Toyota that mom wants to buy, but the guy was not available today...

Had a little bit of a tiff with my dear dear over going to church... maybe I was too harsh on her... I know that she loves me a lot and that she wants to spend as much time as possible with me... but all along, it is not that I don't want to spend time with her, but I feel as though Daddy should always come first.

I always wanted a partner who would never grow tired of going to church with me... I believe that my dear dear still is going to be that someone... I just need to be more patient and less demanding on her. After all she is going through a tough time. But it did hurt when it didn't seem as though she was very keen to go to the watchnight service with me. mmm... sigh. well, I'm sure somehow Daddy will help us clear this up so things can be normal again.

I hope that when my dear dear reads this, she will know that I love her very very much.

I also enjoy spending time with her... but I most enjoy it when we spend time together with Daddy... That is what makes me the most filled...

I love her and I believe in her and I want the best for her. I hope and pray that Daddy reminds her of that always.

Sorry for hurting you dear dear... I didn't mean it... sorry... I still love you very very much and I still want to marry you. don't be upset ok? let us focus on Daddy together... i love you very very much muek

Long Day

Quite a long day doing up the sound file for my school and then in the evening spent hours trying to configure the wireless network at Teck Whye. Miissing dear dear... muek muek muek muek. Can't wait to see her again. mmm...

Took my first jog today in a long long time. Feeling very unfit and quite overweight... Its so hard to put myself back in the get fit & lose weight frame of mind again.

Monday Morning

Monday morning and the Tree misses the Koala bear a lot a lot a lot... Koala bear is going to school to take maths quiz... Tree is right behind her giving her the encouragement and support... muek muek

Saturday :)

Spent the whole saturday doing stuff... sorting stuff out, after which went to Goodwood part Hotel for big uncle's 70th Birthday. Great to see Ling Ling and Boy Boy there tonight. Had a good time catching up with them.

The first week back from Myanmar has passed... and so far things seem to be heading the right direction. My mom seems to be slowly softening up. I'm not expecting an instant miracle but I think as we trust Daddy together, things will change. It hasn't been easy by any means... Still is tough and there is a long way to go... but with prayers and faith I believe that the tide will turn.

Still can improve... I still need to focus on daddy more... but on the whole, it is a reasonable start. I thank my dear dear for being understanding and for persevering with me in this journey. Love you dear... and keep believing and praying ok?

Friday

Today's the last day of the conference. The conference ended at noon, after which I proceeded to school to get some work done. There was so much to pack in school. I was relatively please that I got a reasonable amount of packing done... but my table is still in somewhat of a mess. Looking at all the other clean tables around the staff room, I knew that I needed to get up to scratch.

I am now on my way to pick up my dear dear to go to church. It has been awhile since we've seen each other... I thank God for keeping us close even though we haven't been meeting. Along the way, I started with my memory verses again. I really need to keep myself in tip-top spiritual shape. If not, I will not have the stamina and strength to handle this tough year ahead.

Thursday Afternoon

Just read dear dear's blog today... i'm really very proud of her because she is allowing Daddy to work in her life. It isn't an easy process for her because it goes against her natural inclinations... She is choosing to let Daddy change her and mold her. As she continues to choose to be an overcomer, Daddy is making her more and more beautiful.

For me, I'm really pushing myself to be more efficient with my time. I'm watching the way I spend my time and I don't want to spend too much time doing things where there is no fruit. I need to learn how to invest my time wisely.

Thursday Morning

Managed to get a decent amount of sleep last night... Still fighting illness, and the rest I got definately helped.

Another full day at the seminar. Still feeling overwhelmed at the breadth of material covered. Putting a lot of thought into how to shape my maths class for next year.

Must also remember to get through the whole day praying continually... Learning how to include prayer in everything I do during the day.

Waiting for her call...

Evening time spent packing my room… which is perpetually in a mess… my dear dear is with jean… waiting for her to come back and to call me, but she is taking quite long… I don't know how long I'll be able to hold out as my whole system is not feeling good at all. I'm really being "attacked" from all angles and I really need to focus on Daddy to keep my spirits up. There are just so many things I've left undone… Really not very happy with my organizational skills… Sigh… when will my dear dear come home? Waiting and waiting… love you dear… muek

A bad throat

Woke up with a really bad throat and feeling physically very drained. Made my way to the seminar... and glad to hear from Joanna about her wedding... but at the same time makes me think again about my own situation. Struggling with thoughts but reminded myself that God is in control, that somehow everything would work out for good.

My dear dear sounds upset today... satan is probably attacking her after she was so positive yesterday. I know that she is struggling like me. My heart goes out to her.

Was happy to hear from my colleague that my harmonica group did very well for the competition quite proud of what they have achieved

Bunty's Visit

It was great that Bunty came to visit my mom and me today. She was great, and able to really connect and to chat with her. She shared about her various experiences travelling to different countries, about the many miracles that had taken place and how God had been faithful. She challenged my mom to read The Heavenly Man. She didn't get a chance to minister further, but I was happy enough that she was able to reach out as a friend to my mom. I was blessed by what she shared as well.

ATCM

It has been a long day... Didn't sleep very well last night, was a little jet lagged and had to put my dear dear to sleep cause first day back from myanmar. Woke up with a headache. First day at the Asian Technology Conference in Mathematics. It was really quite a learning experience and quite a good exposure to all the many things I didn't know about being a good maths teacher. I was greatly challenged and impressed to be a better teacher.

On the plane back home

On the plane back from Myanmar. Back to the "real world". This is my real mission ground. This is where my spiritual growth will be measured. God has been gracious in Myanmar. I've had opportunities for God to work through me... and yet through the week, I've come to an acute knowledge of my own failings. I am not on a "spiritual high", but rather I've been hit by spiritual reality. I have seen how ugly I am and how much I need His love, His grace and His mercy.

"God is waiting for us to come to that utter destitution of soul" Arthur Katz, True Fellowship pg71

I know I need to die daily. Everyday is a new test, a new battleground. Am I going to live this day denying myself? Or am I going to live this day denying God?

I know that God is working a death in Mae too. She has been through a torrid time these last month or so. God is allowing test after test, trial after trial. Sometimes I wonder whether she is able to withstand all this. I tell myself the God knows what He is doing, and that He will grant her the strength to handle this test, and that He will guide her through this dark valley. But still it has been so difficult seeing her struggle and seeing her suffer… and yet I feel God telling me that He is doing a work in her life… a work that isn't easy but is necessary for His glory to shine through her. Both of us need to learn to remain crucified daily…

Week flown past

Wow... the week has flown past. It has been a tough week, having to deal with a busy schedule, emotional and spiritual stuggles. God has been speaking to me, and yet I have not always been ready to listen. Sometimes I've wanted to turn a deaf ear, to just rebel for a while. satan has been trying to get a hold on my life. he has been trying to attack me through my emotions, through the areas in which I am most vulnerable. God has reminded me to be crucified to my flesh, that I should be denying myself, taking up the cross and following Him, but I have not always been doing that. It has been a bitter struggle. God is asking me whether I'm a true believer, or whether I'm just a phoney Christian. I desire to be a true believer with boldness and with great faith. But often I seem to be struggling with the powers that wrestle within me, and it makes things worse to know that Mae is struggling desperately as well. Certainly this walk with God is not an easy one. Was it ever meant to be? I know that God is refining me in the fire, and I realise the more I struggle and resist, the slower I will develop godly character and fruit. To yield to Him is a daily thing, a daily decision that is often so difficult and painful, and yet deep inside, one knows that it is painfully necessary. I am on the path to develop godly habits, and to rid myself of ungodly ones.... being in cold turkey is never easy, but painfully necessary. I realise that for Mae and me, this is something we need to do together as a team with each other's prayer and support. We cannot do it one our own for we are weak and we will surely fail. We need God's strength and each other's support. I haven't been consistent in my walk in Myanmar. I have been distracted by the TV, movies and sport. It has sucked away the time that I should have been spending with God. There are only a few days left here, but I know I need to conquer this before I go. Drastic measure have to be taken, like unplugging the TV and keeping the remote control in a inconvenient place. I need to be in tip-top condition because when I go back home, it is another battle to be fought and won.
The past 2 days have been positive for my dear dear... she seems to be learning how to cope better... I really thank Daddy for that... I have to do her proud here as well... I need to get my act together. I thank God for continuing to be faithful even when I haven't been all that faithful. He has been working in the hearts of the people here in Myanmar. I see a strong hunger and desire that I know that I must catch as well. They are much more consistent in prayer than I am... I need to address that. I need to improve on my closet prayer, my personal prayer time. I cannot only rely on church meetings for my growth. I need that consistent intimate time set aside to be with Dadddy. I need to be open before Him. I need to be wholly given to Him. I need to be surrendered to Him. If not I will never leave the plateau that I am on to go to greater heights of faith. If not, I will never grow into a deeper dimension of worship and a greater spiritual stature.
satan is robbing my of my spiritual blessings and I'm just willingly letting him do that. This has to stop, and I need to stand up for Daddy. I need to be firm and to be strong in my faith. I need to run the race well and to fight the good fight. I need to always be prepared to be used by Daddy for His glory. There can not be any spiritual off days for me. I don't want to be just a sunday Christian. I don't want to be a phoney any more. I want to live the victorious new life that Daddy has planned for me. It has to start from today.

On my way to Myanmar

On my way to Myanmar with mixed feelings. The last day has been such a difficult one. I believe that satan is trying all ways and means to distract me, to discourage me. I've been made to feel so weak, so useless, so helpless. I feel the weight of the burdens of Mae and my Mom on my shoulders. It has been so difficult to concentrate, to prepare for the trip. Honestly I've been having second thoughts about going on the trip. Sometimes I have been tempted to ask, "why God?" I'm choosing to honour you, to sacrifice, to submit myself, and yet still the road is so difficult. I see what Mae is going through and I feel terrible. Why is she allowed to go through all these stuggles, trials, and to endure all this unfair treatment? Why do I have no answers, no words to say that can actually make her feel better... to make it easier for her to handle this trial. She is being overwhelmed. And on the other hand, my Mom is also being overwhelmed... and I am caught in between. Sometimes I ask, why can't I just not bother about protocol, why can't I just rebel, for a change. It is certainly so much easier just to consider myself being rejected by my family. I can then just concentrate on living a happy life.

Sad that Dear Dear's Upset

Feeling quite helpless now because my dear dear is in one of her moods... she is upset over the whole issue, and I don't know what I can say to her. I feel sorry that I have put her into this difficult position, but I really don't know what else I could have done... All I want to do is to do what Daddy wants me to do. :(

Thank You for Being So Brave

The 2-year challenge approaches: Dear dear, thank you for being so brave. I know that it is not in your nature to be so brave or to be so understanding or to believe so much. I know how difficult it must be for you. I just want you to know that I appreciate what you are doing, that I believe in you despite your mood swings. Though you might still be struggling with the different voices in your head, I trust and I pray that Daddy will help you, that you will have the mind of Chist to focus on all that is good and positive.

I will be representing us soon... just like Jacob who worked 14 years to win his true love, I too will be working, but for 2 years, to win the right to be with you. There is no other girl that I want to be with.

Love you dear... remember not to close up to me or to Daddy... we need to do this together...