Letter to Dear Dear

Dear Dear,

I love you. I know that things have been rocky and tough. I know that sometimes it just all feels so unbearable. Sometimes the tension just mounts, especially when we are not leaning on Daddy's strength. I'm sorry for the times I hurt you. I'm sorry for the times I have not been able to give you more support. I'm sorry for being weak. I know that in some ways, I haven't been able to keep up in this relationship. I fall pray to forgetfulness and procrastination. I thank you for not losing patience on me, and for being forgiving. I know I need to learn how to manage my time well. Many times I have been terrible at time management.

I know I need to change. Help me ok?

I know I love you dearly. I know both of us have sacrificed a lot just to be with each other. I know that it hasn't been easy for any of us (my mom included).

I just want you to know that I believe in you. Even in the bad times I believe in you… I believe that however bad a mood you are in, however unresponsive you are to me at times… I believe that you will come out of that mood in due time. I'm sorry that I'm not better at cheering you up. Sometimes I really feel very helpless and I do not know what to do. Help me dear dear… I love you… Believe with me…

I know Daddy can take us through…

With Love
Your Dear Dear

Another week

It has been another week since i've last made an entry into my blog. Another tough stressful week.

I wonder if i am able to cope with life and all its up and downs. I used to think that somehow everything is going to be alright... but it seems nowadays, that carefree attitude is increasingly hard to maintain. Indeed i'm finding it hard to cope in practically every area of my life. I am dissatisfied with the way I work, how inefficient I seem to be. I can't seem to curb my urges to procrastinate. I increasingly have thoughts to just run away from it all... to just seek peace and solitude away from all the pressure and all the heartache. But the weight of responsibility and love keeps me rooted where I am.

I long for happier days... I seem to have let the joy of the Lord slip away sometime while I wasn't noticing. I miss the days when I used not to have a care in the world (though I had problems). I seemed to be able to just cast all my cares upon Him... to really trust him through all my trials... This time, my trials and my struggles seem to be a much bigger mountain than before. It seems that there are few people who actually understand my struggle.

I know the solution- just trust and obey... to spend more time with Jesus... to let Him release me from all my hurts and frustrations... all my pain and disappointment. I need to meet the Healer again, to just soak in His love. I need a fresh touch of joy.

God hear my cry I pray. You are the only person who truly knows me... you understand me more than I even understand myself. I know you know the pain that I am going through because you have gone through even greater pain and even greater suffering than I could ever imagine. How can I compare to what you have gone through for me. How can my present pain compare to all that you unjustly suffered for my sake.

Daddy, forgive me. I know that I am feeble and I am weak. I have not loved you with my whole heart. I have not lived my whole life for you. I haven't put you first and I have tried to take matters into my own hands.

Lord I pray you guide me and you give me strength for each brand new day. Help me to start each day afresh. Help me not to be weighed down by my circumstances but teach me how to rise above it all and to soar on eagle's wings.

Lord teach me how to fly... I don't want to drown anymore. I want to touch you. I want to fall in love with you over and over and over again. I want to be transformed into your image, to become more and more like you. Lord I yield to you. Lord I forgive all those who have hurt me. I release forgiveness... I release myself from my hurts and disappointments and my pain. Lord heal me and give me your joy again.

Help me to be an effective witness where you have placed me. Help me Lord. Without you I am nothing, but with you I can be everything that you want me to be.

I love you Lord, but teach me to love you more.

Lord... thank you... for just being you...
Thank you for ever being gracious and forgiving.

Lord thank you...

Tired just so tired and stressed

the title says it all doesn't it? i'm just so worn out physically and emotionally, from all the trouble that has been around me... how I wish I can just run away and escape... ;) just dreaming of a nice relaxing holiday somewhere...

Tired just so tired and stressed

the title says it all doesn't it? i'm just so worn out physically and emotionally, from all the trouble that has been around me... how I wish I can just run away and escape... ;) just dreaming of a nice relaxing holiday somewhere...

Sorry Dear Dear

Dear dear,

sorry for not updating for such a long time. You know that it has been tough and a difficult time for me.
I love you, and I know that God will take us through and will make the best out of this situation. Even though it is so painful sometimes... I know that everything will be worth it. Daddy will work a miracle. Daddy will make the way. He will be ever faithful, and if we remain faithful to Him, He will grant us the desires of our hearts...

Love always,
eTree

CNY Thoughts

Yet another long eventful week has passed… so eventful that despite having so many days off for Chinese New Year, I haven't found the time to update my blog. It certainly feels as though my world is caving on me and swallowing me up.

This year, by birthday fell on the 1st day of Chinese New Year… and should have been a cause for celebration for many, but unfortunately not for me. My Chinese New Year was spent in obedience to my Mother. I didn't have a chance to celebrate with my love…

I really wonder when this whole issue will work out. I wonder when God will give the breakthrough that we really need. Sometimes I question Him. Why must things turn out this way? Why must things always be so difficult? Why am I being penalized for something that is not my fault. All I wanted is to love and to be loved. Why is life so cruel sometimes? Why is it that even though I try my best to please my Mom, my Mom never recognizes my efforts, and even can find ways of turning the positives into negatives.

It has been a tough, tiring journey. I honestly have done my best, and am still seeking to do my best. The weight of my Mom's expectations and criticisms have been a big burden on my shoulders. Sometimes I really wish I could just escape from it all…. To just give up and to rebel… To run away and not to bother about everyone else except my Daddy, my dear dear, and me. But unfortunately… to bother about Daddy, means that I have to bother about my mommy. I've always clung on to the promise that when my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me. It certainly feels as though my mom has forsaken me.

She expects me to be grown up, and yet doesn't behave in a grown up way herself.
She expects me to be a good, morally upright person, and yet doesn't give me credit for being open-minded and accommodating to people with differences.
She expects me to be filial, and yet doesn't seem to make an effort to be an encouraging and a supportive mother.
When I tell her the truth, she says I'm being disrespectful and cruel to her and being defensive of Mae.
When I withhold the truth from her, she accuses me of keeping her in the dark and of scheming behind her back.

I pray… really pray for this whole ordeal to be over. All I want is to love and to be loved. All I want is to be the best son I can be, the best husband I can be, and the best father I can be. Is that too much to ask for?

I've humbled myself, removed my pride, pushed aside all the injustices, choosing to forgive, choosing to be patient, choosing to give my mom grace. But it seems that I am not getting any grace or understanding in return.

Family gatherings make me sick, because I know that beneath the surface of all the merry making and all the smiles and conversation… I am being judged, I am being labeled, I am not being truly accepted for the person that I am. And how I wish I didn't have to take part in the superficiality, but yet as a responsibility and as a respect to my mother I have to join in… to be part of "the family"… but what kind of family is this? What kind of family will make comments without understanding the full picture? What kind of family will be "concerned" and yet talk behind my back, without approaching me for clarification? What kind of family will be so concerned over status and face, and fail to see a person a whole being, not just the outside appearance?

And even when I'm quiet, accepting that I have to have an unhappy birthday, an unhappy CNY, an unhappy 2nd anniversary, I'm still being questioned and accused, misunderstood, and unappreciated.

I choose the road of forgiveness… but how difficult this road is…

It is a road which I have to choose every day… not to be upset, not to be disappointed, not to be angry, not to be discouraged, but to trust that God knows the way through this dark dark valley. He knows when it is time to emerge on the other side into the green pastures.

I still stand here, waiting, praying, yearning for the day when I can come out of hiding, when I can just be who I am.

Daddy guide me…

And give me strength for the journey.

week b4 my birthday

Another tough week has passed. Dear dear has been hit by several blows this week with regards to her term tests, as well as to do with the way Fiona has been treating her in school. It has been a challenge for me having to try to cheer her up... especially when I've had troubles in school myself. But thank God that she decided to spend some time with Daddy to trash things out... and it seems like things are back to normal again. Thank God for how He can change our atttitudes and our hearts. I need to spend more time with God too because I've been facing some tough times. My students have been breaking my heart with their immaturity, and I've had to see to so many things in school. It has been hard to cope. I'm barely staying afloat. Thank God the New Year break is coming so at least I have a few days off to catch up.

My birthday falls on the first day of Chinese New Year this year. This gives it a bittersweet feeling. My birthday and our second anniversary... and we will not be able to spend the day together. I wish and I pray that God will really find a way soon to bring an end to all the misunderstanding and the hurts in my family, that we can put away all the bitterness and to move on for the benefit of all parties. I wish and I pray... and I hope.

Maybe it is time for me to write another letter to my mom.

Dear dear... when you read this, please know that I love you a lot a lot. I don't know if I can love anybody in this world more than I love you. I thank Daddy for molding and changing you, and I thank you that you are still pressing on with me even though you have suffered so many setbacks and unfavourable circumstances. I am proud of you. Yes sometimes we still hurt each other by the things we say and do... but I am utterly convinced that with Daddy in the centre of this relationship, our relationship and our marriage will be an overcoming one, against all odds.

You are precious to me. You are fast becoming my wife of noble character. You have humbled yourself and laid down your pride. You have crucified your old self, even though it may appear again from time to time. I look forward to the day I can call you my wife. I look forward to the day we have the keys to our own home. I look forward to the day our first child is born. I look forward to the day you prove to everybody that God is real and at work in your life, that they might look at you and say, our God is an amazing God.

I know that our God is the God of the impossible. I know that if we put Him first he will grant us the desires of our hearts. I love you dearly and deeply. You are a dream come true for me. I love you.